How I became a millionaire selling jars of my farts online

Five years ago, if I had said that I was changing my career goal to becoming a published novelist and selling jars of my farts on the Internet, you would have thought I was crazy.

As you browse the mouth-blown glass jars, sealed with wax and cork, in the temperature-controlled cellars of my sunny Hudson fartery, you might wonder if this is some kind writer’s retirement. My passion for storytelling has not waned, I have simply transferred it to a radically different medium.

Not long ago, after another wasted day working on my novel, I came across an article about a woman who ended up in hospital with a gastrointestinal illness after selling up to fifty farts per week. I thought, “Fifty farts a week?… That’s nothing!” I had failed to see the lucrative side jostling under my nose.

At first, selling my farts online was just a way to support my dreams. Like most, I started in my spare time. Still, I was skeptical – there was a market there with great potential for growth, but could I make a career out of it?

As a responsible storyteller, I always ask myself, “Why am I the best person to tell this story? When the universe generated tens of thousands of profits within months of starting my fart cannery, but there was no money for the manuscript that took me ten years to write, some something inside of me has changed. People crave a universal language. Now I control the narrative, I control the narrative with my farts.

… But it wasn’t enough to make money. I thought, “How can I improve this product? Transferring a fart to a jar without diluting it is not an easy task. So I developed an exclusive method of pet-jarring, then an online course.

Not all manufacturers are honest. Big companies like Amazon sell chemical-laden candles, air fresheners and sprays from ersatz shops. Others source their supplies from illegal fart factories.

Whether it’s intellectual flight or recession, my regular customers keep me going when I’m faced with challenges. I reward their loyalty with fee waivers, subscription discounts, and influencer gifts. Jarts are an ephemeral symbol of the avant-garde, worn as earrings and pendants during fashion weeks.

… But I didn’t enter the mainstream to be a passing trend. A fart in a jar can stay in the family for generations. Since retiring early on the Fartcoin cryptocurrency, my greatest privilege is being able to give back.

When baroque went out of fashion, JS Bach never stopped making soft music, and neither did I. Luscious Extracts, Farthäus, Potento Unicorn Fart Dye… these are just a few of the thriving start-ups founded by my former students and mentees. Together we have patented a homemade fart brewing kit, available at Bed Bath & Beyond.

Here is the crown jewel of my research: a multi-hit aerial fart. So far he has never been shocked.

With every fresh fart I throw, I want this thing I’ve built to come from within. We are the first to achieve a carbon negative business model. Portrait of the artist as a young fartrepeneur is still on the list of best-selling self-help companies, inspiring future industry disruptors.

One pot of farts at a time, I bypass the literary themes that divide and focus on what unites us. When you adapt to the market, rather than expecting people to buy something they don’t want, like my self-published coming-of-age memoir that took ten years to write, without show nothing but shame, ostracism, and possible tax audit for mentioning cash salaries from my after-school job – you drive sales.

…and business is booming. I produce sixty units a day and discuss redefining success on my weekly petcast. In this case, success means farting in a jar and selling it – on my terms.

Being profitable in a career I love may entice others to do it for the wrong reasons, but consumers can smell the fakes.

Not for politics, but society punishes women for farting almost as much as it punishes us for writing. Maya Angelou bowed to the patriarchy when she suppressed farting. Gloria Steinem went undercover at Playboy magazine to expose their practices, while avoiding the real controversy at the center of it all: the farts that happened but were never talked about.

Centuries from now, it will be the jars of our farts that will give anthropologists clues about everyday life. A moment of human integrity, captured forever, until you open this fart in your hand and release it. Is it free or is it just corrupt? This is the question we have been asking ourselves since leaving Eden.

That’s literary. I could put that in a jar and sell it. I don’t, not because I can’t, but because books are poop, which I’ll cover in my next class, “Party Pooper: How I Changed the Publishing Game by Selling Pots of my poo online”.

Lucas E. Kelly